Thursday, January 7, 2016

I weighed myself

Not immediately. We were out of town until the 4th, and I waited until the 6th just in case of any travel "water weight" (right?). But I did it.

The night before, I pulled the scale out of the downstairs office closet and brought it up to the bathroom in preparation. I really wasn't sure whether I could do it. It sounded kind of scary, actually.

I lost 6.5 lbs this year. I am 2.5 lbs less than when I got pregnant with my youngest, 12.5 lbs less than when I got pregnant with my oldest, and 26.5 lbs less than when I got married (my highest weight). That's lifestyle for you.

How do I feel about this? 

This was a good experience for me. I spent a lot of time this summer feeling good about myself. When I looked in the mirror, I was always surprised because I FELT like I looked better than I actually looked.

Then I got a haircut and replaced a few items in my wardrobe and started THINKING about how I looked. I started feeling negative again.

There are a lot of places I could take this reflection. Maybe I'll pursue those in the future. What I've found to be the conclusion of my New Year's resolution of 2015 is the discovery that my self consciousness, and, deep down, lack of love for myself, disdain for myself, is merely expressed through my focus on weight; it goes deeper than that. This is an issue that is going to take more than one year's resolution.

What tips me off in this regard is that I FEEL fat. All the time. Even when I know I'm not.

As far as goals go, I'm not sure where to go from here. Just one step at a time, right?

In the future, would I go so long without weighing myself? Probably not. Even after months without weighing myself, I would still have random bouts of anxiety about whether I was gaining weight. My plan is to weigh myself once a month and see how things go.

If you've stuck with me this entire year, thank you for the support!

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