Thursday, January 8, 2015
Tonight I found myself making a list labelled "The Perfect Diet." This was following a day in which I was tired all day and couldn't stay away from a certain bag of cookies - cookies I myself had deemed 100% healthy, and therefore something I could eat as much of as I want. I'm all about these types of food, and my of doing things generally works for me. However, with these particular cookies I was in error. Why else would I think about them all day, sneaking bites between diaper changes and role playing with pigs and putting on my own Signing Time play? By 4 P.M. I had vowed to never make them again. By 6:15 they were gone. By 10:30 I was literally crying because I wanted them so badly.
Hormones were involved, of course. But just yesterday I told someone that not weighing myself kept motivating me to take a few bites less at each meal, worried I'd gain weight while I wasn't watching. She kind of gave me a look, which made me realize the flaw in what I was saying: wasn't the point of all this to gain a healthier mentality? I can't do that if I'm thinking about cookies or worried what it's going to do to me if I eat one more ladel of lentils.
I went back to the drawing board so I could bring back my focus. I don't have to do things 100% correct all at once. There's a lot of learning that comes with. You must retrain your body's expectations, as well as your mind's. The whole point of eating a "perfect" diet, to me, is specifically so I don't have to worry. I eat as much as I want, and feel great doing it. I guess grain-sweetened chocolate chips are a failed experiment.
Well, hey. At least I don't see any evidence of weight-gain. And I haven't even weighed myself! The numbers are feeling more distant, even though I spend a good chunk of time wondering - and still have that phantom impulse to step on the scale every morning and evening. This has replaced the time I used to spend calculating all manner of possibilities for my future weight - useless numbers that all relied on chance.
I think it's working. I'm not seeing the number anymore when I look at myself in the mirror. Instead, I've been admiring my hips a little more acceptingly. They actually look pretty good after all.