Thursday, January 1, 2015
I weighed myself last night at 11:52 P.M. I forgot to check the time, so I'm glad I didn't accidentally break my resolution so soon. My weigh-in was low enough that I knew, if I weighed myself this morning, it would be a new low weight (still having a bit of post-partum weight loss even though, for all intents and purposes, I'm already in goal range). This morning, it was PAINFUL not to step on the scale. But I didn't do it. Even though I knew the number would make me feel skinny all day.
I regretted this whole thing the very next day after starting this blog. Sure, it's a nice idea. But WHAT ABOUT MY NUMBERS?? Okay, I'm really not worried that I'll gain weight. From a medical perspective, I'm healthy. From a holistic perspective, I should have sprouted wings and flown off into the perfection sunset by now.
There's still those pesky body image issues though. I've been working on them long and hard the past 5 years, and I think I'm almost there. I think I'm close to perfecting my self image (haha, wouldn't that be nice?) Getting away from the scale is what I perceive as the last step.
When I walk around, sometimes I feel like I have a big number pasted to my chest: 000.0. It's the number I saw that very morning, and it affects how I envision myself for the entire day.
We're getting rid of that.
Since the last time I posted, I've thought about the upcoming New Year's resolution with dread. Anxiety. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. But I will because I'm not a number. No one is a number. I'm just me, eating the way I know to eat to feel and perform my best.
And I'm not just doing this for myself. I'm doing this for my family. I'm doing this for everyone out there who can't look in the mirror without their most recent weigh-in coming to mind.
While everyone's out there deciding how much weight they're going to lose this year, I'm setting a different sort of resolution. I'm resolving NOT TO KNOW. It's scary. But my body knows what it's doing. My body will tell me if something's wrong. It's time to trust my body, not a piece of technology.
I will report in on how things are going at least once a month.